CHAPTER 21

“I AM a girl who has never been very popular with men, but I recognize that my happiness lies in loving and being loved by one. I have never been in love in my life, though I am a woman grown. It seems to me that the men (or boys) who have shown any preference for me, were always younger than I was, and I could never get interested in them. Then, too, I have no 'small talk,' and when I receive professions of love I always feel that they are not meant. I am domestically inclined and love home life, but I have to work in an office to support myself, and am not at all satisfied. I am very particular and don't allow any 'liberties' whatever, and I believe I am considered indifferent to men. Can you tell me how to overcome my diffidence and interest men in the right direction?” — V. R.

Judging from the tone of your letter, I suspect you are a very unexpressive and undemonstrative person. In which case the key to the situation with you is to cultivate the habit of expressing the thoughts and desires that come to you. When you begin you will find it a little hard to do, because you have got yourself so set in the habit of not expressing what you feel, that you won't be able to discover at first that you have anything to express.

The first thing to do is to imagine what you would like to express, and then express it. Begin to take an interest in those about you and to express that interest in little ways; little words, or little attentions. Lay for your own kind thoughts toward others and make a business of expressing them right on the spot. Don't wait to think — just EXPRESS.

In addition to this, take time every day to imagine yourself hobnobbing socially with plenty of attractive and agreeable men. I remember that when I was a very young girl I was quite smitten with a very young gentleman of my acquaintance. All without trying I used to imagine him as going down on his knees and begging me to accept his affections.

The first time I pictured him presenting himself to me in this fashion it made me flush to the roots of my hair and the nape of my neck. But by and bye I got so used to this idea that at last when he did begin to pay me little attentions I had no sense of embarrassment whatever. It seemed all natural to me. But alas and alack, when the attentions came they didn't suit me at all! I haven't seen this young gentleman since I reached the mature age of twelve years.

Later in my life, I used to try the same mental tactics before great persons. I met all the great ones of the world, all in my mind. I visited with them on the friendliest kind of footing, and I spoke out anything that came in my mind about them or to them. I kept reminding myself that they were the greatest people in the world and that I was just as great, just as individual, just as important in the scheme of the universe; that the only way in which I differed was in being different! that my only value to them or to the world was in expressing to them my own natural normal thoughts and feelings, just as they came to me fresh from God! In dreams as well as in day dreams I have repeatedly visited with King Edward VII and other notables on the friendliest terms and without thinking of my own appearance or words.

And so when I really did begin to meet the great people of the world, I felt as comfortable as I did in meeting my own sisters or brothers.

All because I learned to value myself, and to consider my own thoughts and impulses as the thoughts and impulses of God through me; thoughts and impulses given me to express; thoughts and impulses which, coming from God through me, must be the right thoughts and impulses or they wouldn't be given me for expression.

To get back to your own case: Express your kindest thoughts and interest and feelings to those about you, regardless of whether they understand you or not. It makes no difference whether they understand you — the chief thing in your life is to express what comes to you from within. By so doing you express your real self and give those about you a real opportunity to understand you and be attracted to you.

The sort of life you evidently live is the kind of life that shuts you off from all the lives around you — you live the unexpressive life. Wake up and BE YOURSELF. Be yourself even in a business office. This doesn't mean that you have to spend your entire day chattering and giggling to those around you. But it does mean that when you feel like smiling you should smile, and when a bright thing comes to you, you are to speak it out brightly, and when you feel an interest in the one near you, you are to show that interest.

Seek a social life. Go to church and get interested in a Bible class, if you don't know of anything better. Usually a mixed Bible class is both interesting and productive of personal friendships. Go to lectures, parties, banquets, lunches, anything, and anywhere that you will be apt to meet new people and make new friends.

Remember wherever you go you are to express yourself in thoughtfulness and kindness toward others, men and women, everybody young and old, in order to pay your way.

No society is going to do any more for you than you do for it. Others give themselves to you and you must give yourself to others — give your ideas, your interest, your kind thoughts, your kind deeds, your smiles and appreciation. You need not try hard to talk or to entertain, most persons prefer a good listener to a talker of the Tennyson's brook variety.

To have friends, be a friend — and practice on any old individual who comes your way!

Don't get the idea of trying to be interesting. Just be yourself and express that being. Think interest and kindness and love to those about you, try to understand them, try to make their interests yours, and gradually you will find it easier to express the interests you feel. I know a woman who married her wealthy employer, and they say that he was first attracted to her because she was always willing and attentive to the wants of others, no matter what went wrong in the office.

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