CHAPTER 32HOW TO TREAT THE ARGUING HABIT
A CERTAIN young man of twenty years is determined to contradict or question or debate almost every statement made in the family and in his circle of friends. He invariably takes the opposite side, for the mere sake of argument.
There is something wrong with the family in which he has grown up! In some way they have allowed this habit to grow on him from the time he was a child.
Is it not a case of everybody in the family contending over unimportant details, this one young man being so strong-willed that he usually comes out on top in the argument?
The only cure I know of for this extremely unpleasant habit of opposition and contention is the Silence Cure.
Absolute non-resistance will break the habit when nothing else will. Is there nobody in the family who has self-command enough to apply this cure?
The habit of contention is nearly always the result of a family attitude of argument. It fixes upon a child the habit of arguing to support his point, instead of reasoning to find out the truth.
Generally the parents set the pace. Sometimes it is a single member of the family who sets the pace, and the parents sit still and let the younger members fight it out. Then when the habit has grown to very unpleasant proportions, everybody joins in the contention, or sits around and feels vexed.
It is my experience that it takes a whole family to make one contentious member.
It is likewise my experience that one parent can prevent the forming of this bad habit, if he or she takes it in time. I stopped it with my children when they were about ten or twelve years old, by applying very systematically and persistently, the Sequestration Cure.
At the first sign of strained argument each child was sent to a separate room, with the injunction to remain there until he could play or discuss things without getting heated, and without contradicting. The child himself was allowed to decide when he was ready to play comfortably. He might be sent back in ten minutes, but he was allowed each time to make his own decision as to whether he was ready to play according to the rules of polite society and friendly chat.
At first I had to send the children away every little while, but after a few days they began to see the point, and they kept themselves on the pleasant side of that point where the strain begins.
But I never could have cured the children if I had not first commanded myself in the matter. I quit trying to settle their disputes; I merely required that they settle them themselves by perfectly amicable and kindly discussion, or else leave the matters entirely untouched. I stuck to this every time until they formed the habit of discussing things in a kindly way with the intention of finding out the truth, instead of with the intention of upholding each his own point of view.
I consider this discipline one of the best things I ever did for my children.
If I had not discovered it until they were twenty years old, instead of ten, I should have tried the Silence Cure instead of the Sequestration Cure.
When the boy makes the first opposition statement, everybody else shut up. Do it every time. It won't be long before he will catch the point of view, and command his feelings and his tongue — it won't be long before he will begin to reason for the truth, instead of fighting for his point.
It is worthy of earnest effort on the part of the whole family to break one member of that trick before it gets to be a settled bad habit.
Don't you see what it leads to? After a while the man's entire reasonings have the one aim, the aim to justify himself, right or wrong. This becomes a habit of mind with him, a perpetual attitude of thought.
It is very important to keep children from contracting the bad habit of arguing unpleasantly with each other.
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