Thank You

by Heather Sirotak
(Portland OR USA)

Thank You. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear, with the perfect clues leading in the direction of my intent.

My remaining quandry, the place where I find my consciousness getting stuck, is addressed in your final paragraph.

The path of least resistance would seem to be Chemo, due to every single external factor, including some loving friends and relatives wanting me to rely on "modern medicine" and trust the "scientific data".

How I FEEL about Chemo, besides revulsion, is another matter, because I distrust the shock and awe paradigm, aimed at healing. That's the cause of my ongoing spiritual dissonance and incoherence. I mention My Aidan's crossing over only as a potential triggering factor, which initially grabbed my unconscious GUT with such MIND numbing grief that it COULD have been like an immunological hijacking, despite my spiritual perspective, which is the same as you expressed.

My desire to manifest gratefully abundant health, conflicts with submitting to Corporate Pharmaceutical's working agenda. Yet, even most Naturopaths and Alternative Healers seem to be in consensus that Non Hodgkins Lymphomas responds better to chemo than other cancers. However, the whole Cancer INDUSTRY is so locked down and monopolizing that it's impossible to get accurate statistics anyway, let alone objective information about the alternative therapies, that I could put my heart and mind behind.
Plus, I'm broke, without any basic health insurance, let alone optimum coverage for the type of Alternatives I would love to dedicate my heart and mind to PHYSICAL healing with. All of the Cancer foundations and patient advocacy groups are Corporate sponsored, as are the Clinical trials and "scientific" study grants. Oncologists and Cancer clinics get subsidies and all of their "educational" materials provided. Psychological reinforcement's are offered for chemo patients, in the form of slick Infomercial DVDs, starring celebrity poster boys for chemo and support groups led by corporate employed counselors. Oncologists behave like bored bullies, completely brainwashed themselves and only wanting to write chemo prescriptions and herd patients through the turnstyle. They don't come across as compassionate, or even interested, "healers".

It WOULD be a relief to give in to the mainstream treatment, on the one hand, simply hoping for the best, while using my energy to concentrate on the spiritual side. But I keep feeling that inescapable inner conflict. I FEAR submitting to dangerous lies, while wanting integrative, wholistic, fully participatory, co-creative, Sovereign Integrity.

The oncologist says I'm wasting precious time, which only generates another layer of fear. The last time I met with the respected oncologist who I went to for a second opinion, he kept me waiting for over 2 hours, in a tiny windowless room, under fluorescent lights, before finally coming into the exam room, without apologizing, then blurting out, "What have you decided?". It was enough to make me wonder if I hadn't just received bombardment with negative radionic intimidation during the waiting period!
Get out the pendulum, or Russian Roulette anyone?
I've caught both oncologists in lies about the risks of chemo, even though, technically, I would be signing a release of liability before the clinics would deliver chemo.

I know I sound ungrounded and yet I actually subscribe to all the same tenets of sub-quantum manifestation as you Sabeen. This is just surreal enough to make me wonder if I looked too closely at the sun, or what?! I do know there are gifts in being here now, temporarily stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm waiting to sense the objective results of finally being unstuck.

I keep jumping, again and again, into full commitment to health, only to find myself reliving the doubts, like in the movie "Groundhog Day". I prayerfully affirm my health and empowerment, in gratitude, many times each day. I feel the shuddering rush and thrill of fulfillment. I KNOW I am the perfection of God and you are too. There just seems to be a glitch in the Matrix!

Namaste
Heather